Coming back, turns out not much has changed. No. Not really.
The whiners still whine, the hep stay hep, the vain, vain and the plain, plain.
The same nods, the same groupism, the seniority hierarchy, the rooms, the tears, the comfort levels. Yes. All the same. But of course, as always, change is inevitable innit?
We first years found ourselves becoming a part of the system- walking the walk, talking the talk, having intellectual conversations once in a while, knowing when to do what and all that jazz.
Fear, once in a while, is an amazing feeling. Maybe not fear exactly. That rush of adrenalin, the heightened sense of excitement; the feeling you get before you bungee jump off a cliff or before you commit yourself to a serious relationship, or in my case before the start of a new semester, is just thrilling. It’s the curiosity; the wait that does things to you. Unfortunately, it also, all the while, builds up expectations within your mind. Expectations and attachments; desire, as we all have been hearing, is the root cause of evil. And so, when these so called expectations we’ve attached ourselves to do not get fulfilled, we become but disheartened. It drains the enthusiasm out of you. You are left with just the hope that things will get better. This is what I’m left with right now. Fortunately, for me, that’s all it takes to put the enthu right back into me. So I start off this academic semester with optimism.
(Just realized that I’ve been jumping between the three persons of narration too often. No matter.)
Secondly, I seem to be waking up every day with a burst of positive energy. Good for me. But this optimism might get into trouble one day.
Stuff that has interested me so far this semester:
One, solipsism – The belief that only you exist in this world and that everything else is but your dream and your creation. Fascinating isn’t it? And believable. For all you know, you could be living in your dream as you read this and wake up to find only existing or in a world completely different. An infinite number of possibilities rush to my mind as I think about this.
If not this being my dream and creation, then someone else’s. Ever since I was fifteen I’ve pondered whether we all live in a giant’s dream. Now, I think maybe we’re dolls belonging to a kid, belonging to a superhuman race which has the ability to infuse life into inanimate objects, and he’s watching us play to pass his time. Could be, right? Or that you're a different being altogether in some completely other dimension and you fell asleep one day and are dreaming all of this. Maybe that's a place where there are no concepts of universe. Maybe all reality is just a four walled room and you're the only being. Maybe reality is you're an invisible dog with extraordinary thinking capacities. Complex, yet believable.
Two, the fact that mathematics is abstract. Yes. I realized it just now. One of the basic facts of life; the science of numbers, is abstract. Where did they come from? From one of the most abstract and complicated things – the mind. WE created numbers and symbols. WE said that two is greater than one. Nowhere do these numbers EXIST. Nor do these symbols. They weren’t begotten from Nature unlike Physics or Biology. Math was just pulled out from thin air.
Third, the chapters on “Sex” and “Rearing” in “The Naked Ape” by Desmond Morris. Really good. Amazingly eye-opening. For me, at least.
And lastly, I’ve understood that I actually do have the strength to overcome any difficulty in life. Nothing is worth dying. A number of setbacks may happen again and again, but I have the strength. I do.